Saturday, November 5, 2011

Who Needs Sleep?


BNL sang it. "Who needs sleep? Well you're never gonna get it" Please no. I need sleep. I need it bad.

I can't sleep. Seriously. I can't. I have developed an inability to do this simple thing and the repercussions are traumatizing.

I get sinus headaches. Twice a year, I get them A LOT - the rest of the year - just sometimes. I have glorious medicines that make them go away - but they take a minute to do their magic. At night, especially during change of seasons, my head gets fogged with ear-popping sinus ickiness - and it is difficult for me to lay my head back to sleep. I have to sit up so my head is in the 'draining' position. Which is fine for a while, then my back doesn't like it, then I fall off my tower of 'prop up' pillows, then I wake myself up, because I can't breath, then I move to a different location in my house - I go from bed to couch, to couch, to floor, to chair, to bed. I get up so many times in the night - sometimes I can't count. Sometimes I wake up at 3am and know its frivilous to try to go back to sleep, so I just get up and wander around my house. I'm sick of my house - it has become a weird prison of dark sleeplessness. TV is my only friend. It might seem better if I could use my 'awake' time for something productive - but I am a zombie from exhaustion. I hope I don't start attacking people.

I'm pretty busy at work - and the lack of decent sleep makes it hard to focus. Its hard for me to find my most productive work zone. Everything seems to take longer. I get so tired in the middle of the day - I fight it. I refuse to leave work to try to sleep - which is probably stupid - but I have a jumbled zombie mind. I do sleep okay in the daylight. Wait...maybe, I'm actually a vampire. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe thats not true - it just seems like I can sleep better in the daylight - because I only do it - when I'm flat out - can't-keep-my-eyes-open - exhausted.

I've had these sleep issues for a long time, I don't ever remember them going on so long or feeling this exhaused. I'm feeling angry and miserable quite more than I should. I am quick tempered and not nice and I'm catching myself feeling paranoid? and more lonely than normal. My coping skills are at an all time minimum - I'm having complete break downs at the most ridiculous things. I've lost all strength and independence. I have become a whiny, small child -- wandering aimlessly in my darkened house. See how dramatic that description was? Yeah...its bad. I'm whining. I'm a zombie. I'm not myself...and I haven't been for longer than a few hours in weeks. I need to sleep!

Sleep, it turns out, is necessary and good. I wish I could do it for longer than 45 minutes (okay maybe its more like 2 or 3 hour spurts - but its still too short!)

I'm going to look for a wedge pillow - that I'm hoping has magical healing and sleeping powers.

Halloween is over. Zombieness go away.

I'm really tired.

The End.

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